I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
