Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't deserve a penis
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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