I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
