got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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