My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
