HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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