I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
