Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
