I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
