its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize