please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
