I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
