I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
