he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize