Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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