I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
