don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
