Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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