He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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