my shit smells like andre
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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