So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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