I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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