K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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