new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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