I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's official drugs can't kill me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
