ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
