I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
