Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
