Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
