They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize