I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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