There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
