This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
