tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
