No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
thus making me awesome and them whores
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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