Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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