I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
