You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
