shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I love having hate sex.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
