i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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