Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
