I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
