My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
jump out the window naked night went bad
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
