I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
