Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize