to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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