i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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