i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
