I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
