Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
