I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
