i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
