sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
