so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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