did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
