he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
