Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
