I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
