I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
