I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
