Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
me + whiskey = a bad person
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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