I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
