Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
