Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
