textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
