why didn't you poke me back
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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