I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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