my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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