My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
